Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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