I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
