Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
