You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
