I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
