He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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