ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
where are you?
Hypothermia
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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