Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Actions speak louder than pants.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
