Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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