this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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