I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
