If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
