I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
