The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
