I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
