I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
