College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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