I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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