rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
