wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
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I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
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Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
And then he peed in my hair
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