Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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