In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
