I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Randomize
