The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
