you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
