Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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