her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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