If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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