when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
