he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
