I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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