It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
