I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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