Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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