Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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