First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
