I CAN MOONWALK!
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
