i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
