im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
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She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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