Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
