So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
