I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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