My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
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I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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