Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
do herpes really smell.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap