Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
