remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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