Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
