You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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