after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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