my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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