He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
