Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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