Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
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