It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
