i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
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He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
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I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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