so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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