I think im going to throw up on grandma
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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