I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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