I wish I could teleport
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
