Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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