What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
And then my night got REAL pukey
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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