Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
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I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
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I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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